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What would be fun to see and do for the evening. Any good imagination's
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So I went like like 5 months without sex. Then took some college kid's virginity. I ended up with a crush, he went home feeling nothing. That's life I guess.So anyway, he was very insistent that I "move on" (I was rather disinterested in the concept, not just bc of my attachment but it didn't seem worth it). So i think Monday (I'm terrible with calendars and geography) I went to a friend's house. A friend I've wanted for literally half my life. Down 3/4 bottle of vodka. Things happen. Well, honestly, they barely did bc it didn't even last ten minutes. Psh.So then a day or 2 later we were texting and I said something along the lines of being his personal slut but there are 3 rules (no lying, no fucking other ppl, fuck me once every other week at the bare minimum). Pretty easy to abide by one would think. He said okay. Literally okay and nothing else. So I toned it down after that. But any type of flirting goes completely unacknowledged...I've accepted being used as a one night stand. I'm just not happy about it.So I have no love life. Apparently no sex life. Idk.I didn't rly care until a drunk friend asked me why nobody loved them earliernand I said that we did n they were like no really LOVE me... Wasn't expecting that. I was like nobody loves me either, I dunno man.But from that moment it just hit me I guess. I've basically been single for well over a year. Sex, while it's mutual consent and (hopefully) enjoyable, is starting to seem like something I want nothing to do with just because it comes at the cost of feeling used (notice I said feeling rather than being, see mutual consent above). I'm just tired of it. I'm not even one of those ppl that needs to be in a relationship to validate myself or just to be in one. Nor am I the type to be actively looking for love. For the most part, I'm pretty self sufficient, I don't need someone in my bed to complete me. But I just feel really fkn lonely now. I was spoiled with compliments, affection, good dick, and snugglefucking and now it's just whatever. Like I liked that dude a lot but I didn't love him. I don't even know if it's him specifically that I miss or how it felt being with him.I don't know anything. I'm just a kid that aged too soon. I don't even know how to be in a mature relationship. According to astrology, a Taurus is supposed to like exude emotion. I can't, I shut down. I can't convey emotion for shit any better in person than in text. I don't even cry hardly ever (since dude went home, literally 4 tears fell). Astrology never did really get me except for the negative traits and fondness for symmetry. In fact, one of the myths that goes w Taurus (yeah, I didn't know they had myths, or anatomical parts they went with) is the story of (I think it was) Isis and Osiris and their love that made it through a bunch of shit and I'm just like.. I don't see how that goes w me at all. I'm not willing to go to crazy lengths (forget the godly powers, bitch spent years searching for him then had to do it again and did). I've only been in love once and I thought it was an awful feeling bc it makes one too vulnerable and gives too much power away and it fucking hurts for years afterward.I'm just tired, emotionally/mentally/physically. Plus, I needed to vent about some things and had no where else to do it (pen and paper aren't my style, especially not in a zero privacy home).I'll be fine. I always am. Just not right now I guess.
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